Divorce: Creating a New Life

Initially, separation and the divorce from your spouse is an incredibly wrenching and shocking experience.  This early period of huge change and loss is extremely difficult but, speaking as a survivor of divorce, I can tell you firsthand that we do survive it and more often than not, go on to an even better life that is based on our personal values and passions.

Those of us who have gone through a divorce understand all too well the pain and grief we experience.  We have lost our spouse, what we thought was our life partner, a loss similar to the death of a loved one.  What is worse though, is losing all the many aspects of a life lived together as a couple and family. The fact is that many of our married friends cannot really understand that loss, which only serves to make us feel more isolated. 

It is the loss of a total way of life… of extended family members, of holidays spent together and a social life with other married couples to name just a few of the losses associated with divorce. Recently, a divorced friend remarked that her married friends didn’t know what to do with her.  Where we used to spend our Saturday nights with other married couples or Sundays on family outings with a treasure trove of kids, now there is little physical contact or more often, none at all.

Where did those family dinners together with friends go?  We’re still here. Why don’t we see our married friends socially outside of a party? I know that we are all busy with our own little worlds but I sense that these former close friends simply don’t ‘get’ the loneliness and sense of loss we are experiencing.  We divorced people understand that things are no longer the same; we know that better than anyone.

 I need people who I can have dinner with when my married buddies are out with each other.  I need people who want to take in an exhibit at a museum when my ex has the kids on a weekend. I want to find another person with this same, new family unit who wants to go on vacation together.  As you can see, divorce is really starting all over again. It’s all about creating a new and hopefully better life.

For those of us who are well into middle age, it can be extremely frightening.  What we thought were going to be our golden years, the culmination of all the planning and dreaming we did as a couple, is not to be.  We must find a new path to follow.  We must create new dreams. 

I am aware that time heals many wounds and things will get easier as they become more habitual.  I also know that a new perspective on life that reflects that life is now filled with new opportunities and possibilities is mandatory. I am well into creating a new career and following interests and personal dreams that I have become reacquainted with over the last year or so.  That does feel good.

My work allows me to give back to the world which brings me fulfillment and joy. I am pursuing activities that will bring me into contact with new people. I am doing things that I always loved but had neglected for too long.  All that leads to more positive change and growth.

It also helps to lessen the pain of adjustment.  It helps relieve the pain of the losses that I have experienced and continue to experience. But that pain is still there, sometimes shocking and more often numbing.  I know the pain will lessen as time goes by.  I have learned that if I am to be happy in this new life, I cannot depend on anyone other than myself. 

What I have learned on a very deep level is we can only control ourselves and little else.  Things happen. They always will.  It is how we choose to handle what happens in our lives that makes all the difference in the world.  We must accept reality for what it is and not for what we think it should be.  It is only in that acceptance that we are able to move forward.  The bumps in life’s road will always be there. That’s life.

Creating a new life isn’t necessarily easy but I know now that not only is it possible, but also filled with new horizons which is kind of exciting.  It’s a matter of believing that life will once again be filled with happiness and joy. 

The way to recover and thrive after divorce is simple: Until you can release the toxic emotions surrounding your divorce, it is impossible for you to move forward in life and be happy.  It takes enormous commitment and effort but it can be achieved.  If you want to lead a new life that is both fulfilling and happy, you must let go of the negative emotions and thoughts that hold you back from creating a life you love.  And guess what else?  Who do you suppose pays the biggest price when it comes to toxic emotions?  You.

During the divorce process, the negative emotions that you were already experiencing in your marriage go haywire!  During times of crisis, our world appears to crumble and with it our concept of whom we are. Our mind chatter turns up the volume to deafening levels.  We question everything.  We feel emotions so intense that we often wonder if we will survive them.  Anger, sadness, depression, rage, grief, resentment, bitterness, and confusion are some of the feelings we are hit with. 

Once a divorce is finalized, we find ourselves attempting to adjust to a new way of life that is oftentimes lonely and frightening.   The negative emotions are still there and perhaps worse as we face the harsh reality that we are indeed divorced and on our own.  Even if we are the one who initiated the divorce, it is still a brave new world.  If we spend our days tied up in thoughts and feelings that disempower us, there is no clear path to the future.

We may find ourselves ruminating about our situation throughout the day.  That time spent on the mind chatter based in negative feelings eats up time that we could be spent working on a new life.  Think about it. If I spend hours during the day consumed with thoughts of  resentment and hatred towards my ex, I don’t have time for other more productive thoughts and actions to arise.  There is only so much room up there in the head. If we use up all our space with negativity, we have no room for the much needed positive thoughts.

The destructive mind chatter will permeate every aspect of our being.  When we are residing in a perspective or attitude that life is not fair, then everything that goes on during the day will support that perspective.  If we are living in the perspective that our ex is a terrible person, then everything that he or she says and does will support that idea.  It spreads throughout our lives like a cancer.

Trust me, you are the one who pays the biggest price.  It is you who suffers the most. It is you who is giving up on life. It is you who is consumed with thoughts that cause stress, sadness, depression and paralysis.  It is you who becomes a person that few want to be around.  It is you who is setting a poor example for the children.  It is you who cannot move forward and is mired in the past, a past that is destined to repeat itself under the present conditions.

How then do we learn to let go of these toxic emotions and thoughts?  Here is a way to begin the journey to a future filled with all that you want:

1)  Understand that you are the sacrificial lamb on the altar of life.  You have this one precious life to live and you have the choice to make it great or miserable.  What will it be?

2)  No one other than yourself is responsible for your life, your divorce or your marriage for that matter.  This is one of the most difficult things to get your mind around but it is true. Unless you accept responsibility for yourself and everything you see in your life, then you will continue to blame others and give away your power.

If you were to be totally honest with yourself, you would probably see how you played an equal part in the collapse of your marriage.  Even if you are the so-called dumpee, there were two people in this marriage and no one person is solely at fault.  You may believe that your ex was a bully and a tyrant and you were an innocent victim but guess what?  You allowed it.  You were co-dependent; you empowered your ex in ways you may not even recognize at this point in time.

And if you are really honest and willing to do the inner work necessary to move on, you will see that who you were being in the marriage is who you have been all along.  Unresolved emotional issues from your past colored your marriage, it’s true.  If you had a bad relationship with your father and he made you feel worthless, you may go looking for a Father as a mate which is not the basis for a successful marriage.

3) To see outer change, you must first do the inner work.  In order to rid yourself of the same reactive, ingrained responses from your past you have to do the inner work of personal growth.  You must conquer the demons of mind chatter that run you.  You must learn what has been holding you back from living your best life, being happy and successful.  Whether you work with a therapist or a Life Coach doesn’t matter. Just do it!

4) It is during the times of the most intense pain and transition that we learn the lessons we need to learn and grow as a human being.  When we are challenged is when we learn deep lessons. When we learn deep lessons we grow as a human being.  It is easy to handle life in good times but it is when things get rough that our true character has the chance to emerge IF we allow it.  Again, it becomes your choice and your choice alone as to how you will handle this life transition.  You alone will choose to go forward or live in the past.  Once again I ask you…what will you do with this one precious life you have?

4) Everything that has happened to you has happened for a reason.  If you believe that there are no reasons for what happens in life then you will see no reasons for this divorce and you may stay stuck where you are right now.  If on the other hand you believe that everything that happens in our lives happens for a reason; that life is not random; that all the events we have experienced have moved us forward and in turn force us to evolve as a human being; that our purpose will reveal itself to us through these life lessons, well then you can see that this divorce is a tremendous opportunity to go inside and do the inner work that will cause you to transform as a human being.  You will also have a much easier time of letting go.

5) It is not so much what happens to us in life, rather it is how we handle what happens that counts.  Things will always happen in life, some good and some bad. That’s just life.  Accepting that fact shows you that you have a choice to choose how you will handle things.  You can choose to sit in resentment and bitterness and suffer as a result or you can choose to call upon your higher self that resides within and leap into the future as a better person.

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