It's important for divorcing parents to sit down with their children and encourage them to say what they're thinking and feeling. You'll need to keep this separate from your own feelings. Most often, children experience a sense of loss of family and may blame you or the other parent — or both — for what they perceive as a betrayal. So, you'll really need to be prepared to answer questions your children might raise or to address their concerns.

Make talking about the divorce and how it's affecting your children an ongoing process. As children get older and become more mature, they might have questions or concerns that they hadn't thought of earlier. Even if it seems like you've gone over the same topics before, keep the dialogue open.

If you feel like you get too upset to be of real help to your children, ask someone else (a relative, maybe) to talk to them. Group programs for children of divorce run by schools or faith-based organizations are an excellent resource for children going through this.

It's natural for children to have many emotions about a divorce. They might feel guilty and imagine that they "caused" the divorce. This is particularly true if they ever heard their parents argue about them. Children may feel frightened, scared, or worried that they will be abandoned by or taken away from their parents.

Although children may struggle with a divorce for quite some time, the real impact is usually felt over about a two to three year period. During this time, some will be able to voice their feelings depending on their age and development. Other children just won't have the words to express themselves. They may instead act out or be depressed. For school-age children, this is usually evident when their grades drop or they lose interest in activities. For younger children, these feelings are often expressed during play, too.

It may be tempting to tell a child not to feel a certain way, but children (and adults, for that matter) have a right to their feelings. If you try to force a "happy face," your children may be less likely to share their true feelings with you.

This is one of the hardest things to do. It's important not to say bad things about your ex. It so often backfires with your children getting angry at the parent who is saying the bad things. No child likes to hear a parent criticized, even if it is by the other parent. It's equally important to acknowledge real events. If, for example, one spouse has simply abandoned the family by moving out, you need to acknowledge what has happened. It isn't your responsibility to explain the ex-spouse's behavior — let him or her do so with the children.

Children don't need to feel that they must act as messengers between angry parents or carry secrets/accusations about either parent. Don't question your child about what is happening in the other household — children resent it when they feel that they're being asked to "spy" on the other parent. Whenever possible, communicate directly with the other parent about relevant matters, such as scheduling, visitation, health issues or school problems. The Do’s and Don’ts of putting your child in the middle:

1. Don't discuss any issues pertaining to the children in front of them or if they are within hearing distance of either parent
2. Do discuss child-related issues directly with the other parent and when children are not present and out of earshot
3. Don't ask them to carry or relay messages, verbal or written
4. Do talk directly to one another without using the children
5. Don't ask them to spy; meaning don't use them as a source of information about the other parent's personal life
6. Do obtain information about one another from sources other than the children
7. Don't ask them to keep secrets from the other parent
8. Do encourage children to speak freely to both parents
9. Don't respond to their reports of judgmental remarks about you by the other parent to any extent; the less you respond the better
10. Do resist the urge to respond to any negative remarks made about you by the other parent to your children
11. Don't discuss any financial or legal matters related to your divorce with the children nor have them read any related documents
12. Do keep all discussions of financial and legal matters between adults

New relationships, blended families and remarriages are among the most difficult aspects of the divorce process. A new, blended family doesn't eliminate the impact of divorce — in fact, research shows that children in these new families experience problems similar to those who remain with a single parent.

So, it's important to assure children that they still have a mother and father who care for them and to help them blend into a new family structure. Don't expect children to accept a stepparent as another parent right away, though — that will take time. The initial role of a stepparent is that of another caring adult in a child's life. Tell children that the stepparent needs to be respected the same way they respect teachers, coaches and other adults.

Support from churches, friends, relatives and groups can help parents and their children adjust to separation and divorce. Children can meet others who've developed successful relationships with separated parents and can confide in each other, while adults need special support through these trying times.

Whenever possible, children should be encouraged to have as positive an outlook on both parents as they can. Even under the best of circumstances, separation and divorce can be painful and disappointing for many children.

It's understandable that, despite their best intentions, some parents might blurt out their pain and anger. But parents who can foster a positive adjustment, even during difficult circumstances, will go a long way toward helping their children (and themselves) adjust and move on.